The Here and Now


Uncategorized / Sunday, January 28th, 2018

Intuition called in early December 2017. It told me to write in reflection. Yet inspiration of the heart quickly became manipulated by the mind. I attached to the notion that I would poetically summarize life in a “Year In Review” blog post. Society said this was an important way to commemorate and transition. I assured myself I would share it more for myself than anyone but then got caught up in what others may think for better and for worse. Either way, it would make it all worth it, right?

My heart desperately wanted to be seen but also deathly feared it at the same time. My mind fought to bring me back to safety. Inspiration lost its intention, and words did not flow. My fingers yearned to type, but my mind found distractions. At the same time, anxiety grew from fear of failure if I did not follow through. I started and stopped multiple times, as you do when light and dark come to play. In fact, these exact words you read today were inspired by prior typings, now reimagined for expansion.

Shortly before intuition called in December, it called to remind me that I was enough. I had conjured up this idea that my year should end with a cross-country move in some epic, Hollywood-style conclusion, proving this year of personal growth was worth something. Intuition, by way of writing, reminded me that I was enough regardless of what had come or what would come next. I was enough just as I am.

Similarly, I was not meant to write a “Year In Review” post. Society’s expectations were not for me. I cannot provide profound insights on what has been or predict what is to come. What I can only speak to is the present and who I am in the here and now. And, writing about that feels right by my heart.

Right here, right now, I am on an ongoing journey. Life happens for, not to, us. I am grateful for each moment, though I may not always feel it right then.

Right here, right now, I am reconnecting with my truth and learning to love and trust myself again. Eating disorders have shown up for me since I was at least 14 years old as a means to cope and control. Finding myself at fear’s mercy once more in early 2017, I surrendered, sought help, and took my life back. Now I am in the process of learning to choose love over fear.

(c) Stephanie Hamilton, Nektar Photography. Taken during the Living in Light Retreat with Chloe Elgar in Costa Rica, Feb 2017.

(c) Stephanie Hamilton. Living in Light Retreat with Chloe Elgar in Costa Rica, Feb 2017.

Right here, right now, I am tuning back into joy, the most terrifying yet powerful feeling, and work to infuse opportunities for joy into my everyday.

Right here, right now, I am deepening my connection with friends and family and learning how to be vulnerable, hold space, and receive love. Thank you to everyone who has been and continues to be in my life.

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(c) Wendy Shepherd. Light Up Retreat on the Sunshine Coast with Chloe Elgar and Natalie Miles in Canada, Oct 2017.

Right here, right now, I lived in New York, even if for only a week over New Year’s, after an incredible year of exploration and expansion by way of traveling. Costa Rica, Switzerland, California’s nature and National Parks, Canada, and New York all brought me beautiful lessons and incredible souls in 2017.

Right here, right now, I love living in and just generally love San Francisco, CA.

Right here, right now, I am incredibly motivated in my career and, at the same time, learning to not attach to it. I was laid off from a job in November 2017 and just started a new role that I’m stoked about, and I am grateful for it all.

Right here, right now, I am someone who expresses, releases, and nourishes myself through movement. Favorites are running, hiking, yoga, art, and dancing. Writing is my first love.

Right here, right now, I am reconnecting to my spirituality and learning to work with something both within and beyond myself, call it god, the universe, spirit, guides, intuition, or the divine.

Right here, right now, I am happy. I am also sad, scared, overwhelmed, excited, unsure, love-filled, mad, confident, and so much more. But right now, mostly, I am happy.

Right here, right now, I am an authentic, intuitive soul on a journey to connect with, empower, and share the world, its people, and herself.

Right here, right now, I am all of this and none of it at the same time. I am more than a combination of the finite, not defined by the total.

Right here, right now, I am a soul living the human experience on January 28th, 2018. And for that, I am grateful.

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